General Motors ...

[EMAUS]

General Motors doesn't have a help line for people who don't know how to drive, because people don't buy cars like they buy computers, but
imagine if they did....

----------------------

Help Line: "General Motors Help Line, how can I help you?"
Customer: "I got in my car and closed the door and nothing happened!"
Help Line: "Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?"
Customer: "What's an ignition?"
Help Line: "It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery
and turns over the engine."
Customer: "Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know
all these technical terms just to use my car?"

---------------------------

Help Line: "General Motors Help Line, how can I help you?"
Customer: "My car ran fine for a week and now it won't go anywhere!"
Help Line: "Is the gas tank empty?"
Customer: "Huh? How do I know?"
Help Line: "There's a little gauge on the front panel with a needle and
markings from 'E' to 'F'. Where is the needle pointing?"
Customer: "It's pointing to 'E'. What does that mean?"
Help Line: "It means you have to visit a gasoline vendor and purchase
some more gasoline. You can install it yourself or pay the vendor to
install it for you."
Customer: "What? I paid $12,000 for this car! Now you tell me that I
have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with
everything built in!"

---------------------------

Help Line: "General Motors Help Line, how can I help you?"
Customer: "Your cars are horrible!"
Help Line: "What's wrong?"
Customer: "It crashed, that's what wrong!"
Help Line: "What were you doing?"
Customer: "I wanted to run faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all
the way to the floor. It worked for a while and then it crashed and it
won't start now!"
Help Line: "It's your responsibility if you misuse the product. What do
you expect us to do about it?"
Customer: "I want you to send me one of the latest version that doesn't
crash any more!"

---------------------------

Help Line: "General Motors Help Line, how can I help you?"
Customer: "Hi, I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because
it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering, power
brakes, and power door locks."
Help Line: "Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?"
Customer: "How do I work it?"
Help Line: "Do you know how to drive?"
Customer: "Do I know how to what?"
Help Line: "Do you know how to drive?"
Customer: "I'm not a technical person. I just want to go places in my
car!"

[EMAUS]

Hearing so many people speaking ill about his intelligence level, George W. Bush decided to get his brain checked.

The physician diagnosis was:
- Mr. President, you have two brains, the left and the right, like all normal people. But the problem is:
In your left brain, there is nothing right and in your right brain, there is nothing left!

[EMAUS]

Gun Shop Owner: "Hi, How can I help you?"
George W. Bush: "I'm lookin' for a gun."
Owner: "What kind of gun are you lookin' for?"
George W. Bush: (pointing at the biggest handgun in the case):
"That one looks about right."
Owner: (very surprised): " Why do you need a .44 magnum?"
George W. Bush: "It's for shootin' at cans."
Owner: (pointing at a small handgun): "Well, this is the perfect
size for shooting at cans."
George W. Bush: (pointing again at the 44): "Nah, I need this
one."
Owner: "OK, what kind a cans are you shooting at?"
George W. Bush:
"Mexi-cans.......Puertori-cans....Afri-cans......Moroc-cans

[EMAUS]

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in
waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the
frist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses
and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed
ervey lteter by it slef but the wrod as a wlohe.

[EMAUS]

STUPID QUESTIONS WITH SMART ANSWERS:

BOY : May I hold your hand?
GIRL : No thanks, it isn't heavy.

GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY : You love me

GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY : Sure, what's your phone number??

GIRL : I think the poorest people are the happiest.
BOY : Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple

GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever.
BOY : Don't you ever want to improve??

BOY : I love you and I could die for you!
GIRL : How soon??

BOY : I would go to the end of the world for you!
GIRL : Yes, but would you stay there??

SHARON : Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss??
TRACY : I did once. He'd forgotten to take the cigarette out of his mouth.

MAN : You remind me of the sea.
WOMAN : Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?
MAN : NO, because you make me sick.

WIFE : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the other.
HUSBAND : You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth.

MARY : John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly. What do you think, Peter?
PETER : A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.


Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in
waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the
frist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses
and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed
ervey lteter by it slef but the wrod as a wloh

[EMAUS]

Made in the USA???


Bob Brown started the day early having set his alarm clock (MADE IN
JAPAN) for 6 am While his coffeepot (MADE IN CHINA) was perking, he
shaved with his electric razor (MADE IN HONG KONG). He put on a dress
shirt (MADE IN SRI LANKA), designer jeans (MADE IN SINGAPORE) and
tennis shoes (MADE IN KOREA).. After cooking his breakfast in his new
electric skillet (MADE IN INDIA) he sat down with his calculator (MADE
IN MEXICO) to see how much he could spend today. After setting his
watch (MADE IN TAIWAN) to the radio (MADE IN INDIA) he got in his car
(MADE IN GERMANY) and continued his search for a good paying AMERICAN
JOB. At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day, Joe
decided to relax for a while. He put on his sandals (MADE IN BRAZIL)
poured himself a glass of wine (MADE IN FRANCE) and turned on his TV !
(MADE IN INDONESIA), and then wondered why he can't find a good paying
job in.....AMERICA.....

[EMAUS]

TOUGH QUESTIONS

Question 1:

If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already, three who were
deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she had syphilis,would
you recommend that she have an abortion?
Read the next question before looking at the response for this one.



If you said YES, you just killed Beethoven.

[EMAUS]

TOUGH QUESTIONS

Question 2:


It is time to elect a new world leader, and only your vote counts.
Here are the facts about the three candidates.

Candidate A.
Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with astrologist.
He's had two mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a
day.

Candidate B.
He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in
college and drinks a quart of whiskey every evening.

Candidate C.
He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke, drinks
an occasional beer and never cheated on his wife.

Which of these candidates would be your choice?
Decide first... no peeking, then scroll down for the response.


-------------------------------------------------------------


Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt.
Candidate B is Winston Churchill.
Candidate C is Adolph Hitler.
__________________

[EMAUS]

TOUGH QUESTIONS

Question 3:

And Finally, can you imagine working for a company that has a little
more than 500 employees and has the following statistics:
* 29 have been accused of spousal abuse
* 7 have been arrested for fraud
* 19 have been accused of writing bad checks
* 117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
* 3 have done time for assault
* 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
* 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
* 8 have been arrested for shoplifting
* 21 are currently defendants in lawsuits
* 84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year...
Can you guess which organization this is?


Give up yet?
It's the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same group
that crank out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of
us in line.

[EMAUS]

Pretty interesting isn't it? Makes a person think before judging someone.

Never be afraid to try something new.
Remember: Amateurs...built the ark.
Professionals...built the Titanic